My Family :-)

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A Life Worth Living....Now

So today was weigh-in day. I lost 1.8 lbs, which is just shy of my 2lb goal for the week. Overall I'm happy with the results, although my dream of just dropping the weight with ease is pretty much squashed. I've always dropped weight quickly in the beginning of any diet, but not anymore. I don't know if this has anything to do with the fact that I'm getting older or what, but in any case, we are looking at a long road ahead. At this rate, I won't really consider myself an acceptable size for another 6 months.

Do you ever find yourself daydreaming of all the things you are going to do or wear when you lose weight? I do all the time. After much consideration, I've decided not to wait 6 months to do those things. Whether it be a new outfit, an event, or even dinner out with my husband, I've somehow convinced myself that because I'm overweight, I don't deserve to enjoy these things. This is crap. Six months of living this way, just waiting to be "thinner", will be hell on earth, just as every moment of being and feeling fat has been. I'm ready to start living NOW. The change in lifestyle is just a small, but nessesary, part of a life I will start letting myself enjoy.

What took me so long to finally realize that I deserve it all? :-)

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Desperation, My Old Friend

Despite all of the positive things I wrote about here over the last week, yesterday I began to feel that desperation return. Despite my best efforts to head off bad thoughts and negativity, I felt hopeless again. I am still having thoughts like, 'Why are my pants still tight?', 'Why do I actually feel fatter today than 2 days ago?', 'What will I do if the scale doesn't show a loss this week?'. Then I get angry at myself for not doing better and wonder what is wrong with me, and for the first time in weeks, I wanted food to make me feel better.

I did NOT eat. I really wanted to, but I did not. I feel like my body may be holding on to the weight because I still have pregnancy hormones running about in my system. I seem to remember this happening last time I had a baby. Whatever the reason, it sucks. I don't know for sure that I haven't lost weight, but I'm scared to check.

I am totally committed to this healthy way of losing weight and taking care of myself, so I will press on, but it's really hard. Another downer was not being able to go to the gym last night because my 8 week old baby didn't go to sleep until 11:30pm. There was nothing I could do. I just barely met my targets, but they were met. I honestly don't know what to do other than just keep doing what I'm doing and not let my desperation ruin this. I'm doing the right things. There is no possible way that this lifestyle and activity level will not help me to drop pounds. ((sigh))

I'm going to work my butt off today to try and make up a little of the gym time lost yesterday. Let's just hope the little angel cooperates tonight. I'm also going to adjust my BodyBugg program so that it let's me measure success in inches instead of pounds. The tape measure seems to be way less intimidating at the moment.

Happy Monday!

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More Praise for the BodyBugg

Since I began my laser focus on fat loss about 2 weeks ago, I've been in control of my appetite for the most part. Yesterday was the first day where I just felt like I needed to eat more. It wasn't that I ate bad things, or that I ate when I wasn't hungry, but I did eat nearly 2400 calories. This is almost 1000 more than I usually eat. This increased caloric intake coupled with a rest day, as Saturday is usually my rest day, left me with only 171 calories for a deficit.

While a 171 calorie deficit won't get me anywhere very fast, it is still something. The value of having this information is the difference between feeling like a failure and feeling OK. I believe that, for me, a key factor contributing toward my ability to succeed will be the banishment of negativity and feelings of failure that ultimately have caused me to give up in the past. The BodyBugg teaches you that dieting and exercise are not an all or nothing practice.

While our weight loss goals are typically associated with dates (more like deadlines), the truth is that we have the rest of our lives to lose weight and be healthy. As long as we are going in the right direction, we WILL get there.

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Diet and Training Plans Updated

So the more I read about the Eat-Clean Diet and fundamentals of exercise, the more tweaks I make to my current plan. I thought I'd take a moment to post my current plan for diet, exercise and supplementation.

My exercise week goes from Sunday to Thursday. This past week I took a few unplanned rest days due to being sick, but I really hope to train hard and focus straight on into Friday.

Training Plan Week 3

• Cardio - 1 hr Treadmill Intervals (walk 2 min/run 2 min including 5 min warm-up and 10 min cool down) x 5 days
• Strength - Total Body w/ Weights on Sunday, Tuesday & Thursday. Abs on Monday, Wednesday & Friday
• Rest Day - Saturday is rest day, but will try to stay active.

Sample Menu

• Breakfast - Protein Shake w/ Fruit, Flax Seed, Wheat Germ
• AM Snack - 1/4 cup Ezekiel Cereal & 1 tbls dried fruit made with 1 scoop 100% whey protein (vanilla) and 3 drops Stevia sweetener
• Lunch - Grilled Chicken Breast w/ Baby Spinach, Fresh Veggies & Goat Cheese (I have been using light ranch because I love it so much, but looking for a way to make my own "clean" Ranch"
• PM Snack - Grilled Chicken Breast w/ Steamed Veggies & 1/2 cup brown rice
• Dinner - something wonderful from the Eat-Clean Diet cookbooks
• Late Snack (post workout) - usually another protein shake, but different ingredients

Supplements

• Glucosamine/MSM
• Maca Root
• CoQ10
• Multivitamin
• CLA

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Big Changes in Less Than 2 Weeks

I'm heading into the 5th day of my second week of eating clean and training hard. I've noticed some remarkable changes thus far.

Feeling Slimmer - Don't get me wrong. I'm still far from a healthy weight, but there is no doubt in my mind that my body fat is melting away. Regardless of what the scale says at next weigh in, I am taking up less room and feeling slightly better in my clothes, enough to where I feel some relief.

Unbelievable Improvement in Core Strength - I've been working especially hard on this since the baby has left me with very loose abdominal muscles. Just 2 weeks ago, I would contract them and barely even feel that I was doing anything. I've added an abdominal routine that includes this amazing Tae Bo Abs video 3 times a week. Check It Out It's under 30 mins and works the abs several different ways. I always have trouble getting abs done at the gym because I'm self conscious. Another major contributor to the fast results here is the fact that I am concentrating on abs during my cardio sessions. When I'm running on the treadmill, I visualize my abs assisting with the pulling of my legs. When I focus this way, I also seem to be able to run faster with little additional effort.

Sense of Control and Inner Peace - I believe this comes from true commitment. I'm not battling with myself in a constant balance between small victories and devastating failures. I've been teetering on making big changes for a long time now. I can't place my finger on what has changed that finally pushed me over into that place, but now that I'm here, I have an enormous since of peace and focus. I have a lot more thought process to devote toward anything and everything other than self-loathing, guilt and what I'm going to do about my health and weight problem. It feels incredible.

Less Desire to Drink - This is huge for me. I carry around an unhealthy amount of anxiety and would self medicate by having beer or wine in the evenings. Going into this clean eating lifestyle, I had decided to make an allowance for some drinking. The first week I had decided to allow myself 4oz of red wine in the evenings if I wanted it. The truth is, between self medicating my anxiety problem and being in a family that drinks for any reason, I really felt like it was too important to my lifestyle to give it up. What I found initially is that I didn't need that 4 oz of red wine during the week. My gym trips replaced the need to self medicate in the evenings. I decided I would allow myself to drink on the weekends. At first this was welcomed, but then the next day I wouldn't feel as good or have as much energy, and for the first time in my life, my health and energy seemed to be more important than that glass of wine or beer. I still enjoy having a little "buzz", but I feel very uncomfortable with much more than that. This is unexpected and nothing short of a miracle.

On another note, I found this cool article on the homepage of MSN.com this morning. Change Your Life in 31 Days It's bascially about small changes adding up big. I thought it was inspiring.

Enjoy the weekend!

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It's Pizza Night!

The family is doing OK on the clean eating plan, but because I'm a newbie, our dinners have been rather bland lately. When I'm in a hurry, I'll just make chicken with brown rice and veggies, which is really tasty, but gets old after a few days. I made the Adobe Rubbed Pork with Pico from the Eat-Clean Cookbook by Tosca Reno last night. It was a huge it. Other than that, most of what I've made has been delicious to me, but not thrilling to the family. I made the choice to eat clean, but they were sort of forced into it. So... I actually found a wonderful recipe for a clean pizza. I made this early last week and everyone loved it so much, they asked if we can have a pizza night. I am happy to oblige.

Clean-Eating Whole Wheat Pizza

Crust - credited to 'Matnerd' on the Men's Health Magazine Forum

1 cup skim milk (scaled)

`1 cup water

2 tbsp olive oil

2 tbsp sucanat sugar

1/2 tsp sea salt

1 pkg dry yeast (1 tbsp)

3 cups Whole Wheat Flour

1. Heat milk to almost boiling. Then add the water, oil, sugar and salt. Set aside.
2. In another large bowl (for mixer or bread machine), add 1/4 cup very warm water (105 to 115 degrees) and 1 tbsp active dry yeast. Add to the milk mixture. Milk mixture should be warm, but not too hot. If too hot, the yeast will die.
3. Stir in 3 cups of Whole Wheat Flour
4. Once thoroughly mixed, add additional flour and knead to the point that the dough is smooth, elastic and not sticky (i.e., when you take your hands off of the dough, pieces of dough should stick to your hands).
5. Put the dough in a bowl that is lightly coated with oil, cover with a damp towel and place in a warm location to proof (Matnerd's suggestion is to heat the oven to 150 degrees, turn it off and then place the bowl in the oven). "Proofing" the dough, essentially, means allow it to rise. Once the dough is double it's original size, it's ready for use (about an hour).
6. Dough is ready for use. :-)

Toppings:

extra-lean ground turkey (seasoned with 1/2 tsp Italian spice blend), 1/2 cup mushrooms, veggies, onions, reduced fat mozzarella cheese, whatever you want...

Bake in pre-heated oven set to 425 degrees for 12 - 14 minutes.

I used a canned pizza sauce option last time, which was pretty clean, but I may try to make my own tonight.

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To Health and Happiness

So I posted my "before" pics yesterday, and in true "before" pic fashion, I made sure I had zero makeup on and looked about as frumpy as I could possible look. Ok..who am I kidding? That was me on my way out to the gym looking no worse than I always look. I guess it's just hard to really accept that this person is me. I don't feel that fat. I see the size 14's and 16's staring me in the face, and yet I feel like a 12. I can't really tell if this is good or bad, but one thing is certain. No matter how fat I look in real life, because I've committed to making this change, tomorrow I will be a little smaller and healthier.

I wanted to take a little walk down memory lane and check out some "skinny" pics. This is me just shy of 2 years ago. The reason this picture stands out to me isn't because I look thin, although I was pretty thin. It's because I look healthy and happy. I've spent the last year and half thinking about why I was putting on weight, and all the while, I was putting on more and more weight by turning to food to console myself for putting on weight. How sick is that? So in the spirit of health and happiness, I've done some evaluating of my current goal of losing 3 lbs per week. While I'm able to manage the caloric deficit require for a 3lb loss per week (on paper that is), I think eating 1250 cals per day isn't enough when my BodyBugg says I'm burning up to 3700 on some days. I just don't feel good. So it is with complete commitment to my health, and total surrender of my vanity, that I actually make a choice to lose weight more slowly in the interest of being healthy.

Now with some of that pressure gone, and a little more wiggle room in my diet, I'm going to eat enough for dinner tonight in order to actually feel strong during my 45 min jog on the treadmill tonight. :-)

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Under the Weather

Part of the problem with being so fanatical about exercising in the beginning is pushing too hard when your body is telling you to rest. I've worked out with a cold for the last few days, but I am totally wiped out today. I've decided to skip the gym tonight and maybe make it up over the weekend when I have a scheduled "off" day. I know that by going to bed early tonight and not working out, I'll burn less calories on my bodybugg, but if I don't rest, I could potentially be out tomorrow as well. Bleh...

I've decided to have a Sugarfree Redbull (not a "clean" choice) and Motrin cocktail and do some chores for activity before my husband gets home from work. I bought some Clif Luna bars at the store today to eat as late night post workout snacks, but they are tempting me like a candy bar would. I think this is only because I'm sick and off my game. I have been meaning to make some "clean" protein bars from the Eat-Clean Cookbook, but I haven't gotten to it. This may be a sign that I'm not ready to have things like sweet tasting bars in the house. Maybe I'll give them to the kids and hubby and stick to the healthier homemade protein shakes for post workout energy.

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BodyBugg - Eye Opening Lessons Learned So Far

Yesterday marked the end of my first official week using the BodyBugg Calorie Management System. I'm please to say that this tool is teaching me more than I ever could have hoped. The main reason I got it was to try and change my all or nothing attitude when it comes to diet and exercise. I can honestly say that after just 1 week, I have learned an enormous amount of information about activity and caloric burn.

I think it is important to note that calorie counting is NOT part of the Clean Eating way of life, but because of my extremely screwed up ideas upon which I've based my various eating disorders over the past 15 years, I felt that I needed to look at things in an entirely new way. Before BodyBugg was marketed through 24 hour fitness, it was called something else. This technology has been used as behavioral therapy for obese (or just overweight) patients that need to make a change to their lifestyle. I read all about this at bodymedia.com, the company that manufactures the product.

These are my activity graphs for the past week. You can see how my activity spikes on my gym nights. The overall pattern here shows me waking up briefly in the middle of the night to feed my daughter (still eating every 3 hours...), and then waking for the day around 7am. The total caloric burn ranges from 2291 - 3770.

Ironically, the days with my highest caloric burn were NOT days that I trained very hard at the gym. These high burning days were days that I did a lot of running around and housework. Eureka! I mean come on! This is huge! You mean if I move more throughout the day, I can burn as much or more as being sedentary all day and then running on the treadmill later in the evening for 45 minutes?!? This is truly eye opening. I mean it makes sense, but it's so helpful to be able to quantify these things. Here's a list of the top lessons learned thus far after using BodyBugg 1 week.

1. An active day running around cleaning, running around and generally not sitting in front of the computer all day (like doing this blog entry) have a greater impact to my caloric burn rate than whether I went to the gym that day.
2. Being even just a little more active really adds up. For example, if you burn 1.3 cals/min at rest, you would burn about 1872 cals per day. If you just move even a little more when you can and boost that burn to just .5 more cals/min, you would burn a total of 2592. What a huge difference!
3. Sleep really does matter. The day that I burned only 2291 (nearly 500 less than my daily target), I took a 3 hour nap during the middle of the day to catch up from a week of sleep deprivation. I was also a couch potato all day from simply being pooped. On days that I am well rested, I burn WAY more calories the next day. I'm just naturally more active on those days.
4. My biggest activity zappers are Internet surfing and infant feeding. Since my baby is only 7 weeks old now, I spend nearly 6 hours a day feeding her. Web surfing/blogging are also zappers. I spend an enormous amount of time on the computer between working, although I'm still on maternity leave at the moment, and just surfing/blogging in general. I'm considering getting one of those under desk pedal things. I work from home, so I don't have to be embarrassed about it. My mom said she knows someone at work that uses one. She said the lady is very thin. Maybe she knows something we are just now figuring out! Here's an example of one I might get. Amazon seems to have a ton to choose from. Isokinetics Executive Deluxe Pedal Exerciser - Chrome
5. Intervals are awesome. I'm too heavy to run for 45 minutes without injuring myself, however if I run/walk at 2 minutes intervals, I burn nearly the same calories and don't injure myself.

Overall this BodyBugg tool has been amazing. I am in no way affiliated with BodyBugg, so I have no reason to endorse it other than the fact that it is just awesome! I think the cheapest place to buy one right now is the 24 hours fitness website (www.24hourfitness.com). I would check Ebay too.

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Weigh-In Day-Week 1 (Nervous)

I'm incredibly nervous this morning. I've been eating clean and averaging a 1500 calorie deficit each day, but still I fear the scale will take the wind out of my sails. In order to meet my goal, the scale needs to read 199. I really need to discuss a few things before I weigh-in. In the past, the scale has had the power to ruin my mood and perfectly good diets. I'm trying to really grasp a few things so that no matter what, I feel strong and positive no matter what the scale says.

Why this week is a success no matter what...

• I started at the gym
• I ate clean all week and cooked healthy meals for my family.
• I drank only 10% of the alcoholic beverages I would have had I not been trying
• I did weight lifting this week, so it is possible that gained muscle could cancel out weight loss on the scale.
• My skin feels better.
• My cravings for sweets have disappeared for the most part.
• My mom and husband say they notice a change in my physical appearance, primarily the area I like to call "back fat"
• A buddy of mine on the SparkPeople.com community site adopted this lifestyle and didn't notice big deal changes for about 2 months, after which time she said she couldn't stop the changes. Right now I'm building a strong body under fat. It will take a while to reveal the hard work put in at the gym.

OK...so I'm about to go do the deed. I honestly feel sick. Drumroll please....

199.8. I feel ok about this. It's not the 3 lbs I was shooting for, but 2.2 is something. I've also been lifting, so I may have lost more body fat and gained muscle. Phew!..I made it past the weigh-in. I was not looking forward to that.

Honestly, I'm pleased. I think this 2.2 loss is body fat and I probably gained a little muscle, which is the ultimate goal no matter what the numbers say.

Wish me luck for week 2!

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Sick of Sweats

I suppose I could wear something else, but nothing really fits right. I'm wearing size 16 GAP jeans (and some 14's), but the button won't snap in any size. It's hard to say just how much of my tummy is remaining preggo pooch, but honestly, who cares...

I'll officially end week 1 tomorrow and hope to meet my 3lb goal for the week, but even at 3 lbs per week, it will be months before I feel OK in regular clothes. It's times like these when you have to take deep breaths and keep your eye on the prize. I know that sticking with the plan is the only way to reclaim my life and body, but it's difficult when you start each and every day trying on cloths that are too tight and resorting to sweatpants. These feelings of desperation and self-loathing begin first thing in the morning, but now there is no consoling myself with food. It's this self-loathing/emotional eating cycle that got me here in the first place. I've found a few things to think about when the thought crosses my mind to give up.

• If it takes me 6 months to a year, so what! I will either be fat or skinny at the end of this time, and one thing is for sure, the time will pass.
• This is a lifestyle change and not a diet. If I continue to do so well, my body will have no choice but to respond.
• I'm happy and enjoying life now. I'm not waiting to be thinner to start living.
• Each pound is like 4 sticks of butter. I would do just about anything to get 4 sticks of butter off my body, even if I really need to drop 280 sticks of butter.

To everyone reading this wearing sweatpants or jeans that are too uncomfortable to bend over in, take a deep breath and keep your eye on the prize. You could be 4 - 12 sticks of butter shy by the end of this week!

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Month 1 Clean Eating Plan

1. I've read a few different definitions explaining exactly what clean eating is all about. To me, the term "eating clean" has come to mean the following:
   

• Only "whole foods" should be eaten. Organic foods are used when possible.
• No refined sugar or artificial sweeteners
• No beer or liquor, wine is ok occasionally
• Diet should include an adequate amount of protein with each meal, coupled with complex carbs.
• Water should be had throughout the day; 1 oz per pound of body weight.
• Meals should be eaten every few hours to keep the metabolic furnace hard at work.

I'm sure I have left some small things out, but these are the basic principles as I understand them. I've put a link to a wonderful Clean Eating book by Tosca Reno over on the right. This is the lifestyle followed by bodybuilders and fitness enthusiasts. I believe that this way of life will help me to think differently about food.

To the left is a sample of my menu. I'm eating the sames things for many of the meals each day, but cooking clean eating recipes for the family for dinners. The family is less than thrilled about our super healthy dinners, but the are adjusting. I'm trying new recipes each day, so they are learning with me. I actually enjoy the cooking! Who knew!?! I'm going to start an area on this blog that lists my favorite recipes. If this is going to be a true lifestyle for me, my family has to adopt it as well.

I started by totally purging the house of all things "unclean". I started doing it in order to save me from myself, in case I want to fall off the wagon, and so far it has saved me countless times. When I go into the fridge looking for a treat, I am forced to be creative and actually make food. It really takes away the ability to eat mindlessly. There are a few pitfalls I've run into.

1. Alcohol - Honestly, I have a drink almost every day. I know this isn't good, but it's sort of my family's culture. Sometimes we just have a beer after work or a glass of wine, but family gatherings can include alcohol in abundance. You will see from my plan that I have allowed myself 4 - 6oz of red wine at night before bed if I want it. Today was the first day that I didn't want it. This is huge for me. I don't know if it's because my body is banishing cravings or what, but I actually am allowing myself to have it if I want it, even though it's not really allowed. I will say that on the days I've had more wine, I've eaten more. There is a line that can't be crossed with the wine. Anything over 6 oz and I've lost some of my willpower. Thankfully, because my house has only clean foods in it, I eat the clean stuff during my "munchies".
2. Artificial sweeteners - I like my Splenda, which is really not allowed. I have been using it anyway until I can buy some Stevia. My mom has Stevia and it's actually pretty good.
3. Coffee - While the author of the book enjoys coffee, I don't think caffeine is really good on the plan. I'm not ready to give it up either.
4. Bloating and Gassiness - So far the clean eating has left me feeling bloated and gassy. From what I understand, this will pass as my body adjusts to ingesting all these veggies and protein.

I've decided that I'll deal with this things as I can and not put a lot of pressure on myself to resolve them right away. After 1 week of clean eating, I have enjoyed the following positive things:

1. My skin has improved already.
2. My energy level is up.
3. My head is clear.
4. I'm getting an enormous amount of satisfaction from cooking for my family.
5. I get an almost "buzz" off of some of the meals. It's really quite amazing.

I'll be sure to post more observations and I see them. So far, this really seems like a way of life that I can handle. I feel I have no choice but do to this for my health and that of my family.

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Month 1 Workout Plan

I've decided I'm just not ready for a trainer. I know it's silly, but I feel like I have to lose some weight before I can feel good about having someone scrutinize my fitness level. I've done a little research and feel that I have enough information to be successful and focused for the first 4 weeks. This is what I've learned.

1. You can lose more weight doing interval training that straight cardio. Basically, interval training involves doing 2 - 5 minutes of exercise at 80 - 90% max heart rate, followed by an equal amount of exercise done around 60%, alternating between the two.
2. Strength training is absolutely needed in order to build the body of my dreams. Building muscles will not only make you look your best, but they will also burn more calories at rest. If you burned just .5 more calories per minute, that would be an extra 700 calories per day doing nothing more than just existing.
3. Your body will try to adapt to your workout routine, so you have to mix it up every once in a while so that you are always challenged.

I've designed month 1 based on these ideas. Here's a breakdown by day:

• sunday- 45 cardio (intervals)/arms + abs
• monday- 45 cardio (intervals)/shoulders + back
• tuesday- 45 cardio (intervals)/chest + abs
• wednesday- 45 cardio (intervals)/legs
• thursday- 45 cardio (intervals)/abs
• friday- rest
• saturday- rest

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Week 1 - Setting a 12 Week Weight Loss Goal

The BodyBugg system asks you to set a short term, 12 week goal. When you first get the system, you go through a series of tutorials that help you figure out the amount of calories you should be taking in, as well as the amount you should be burning per day to hit your goal.

While they suggest a loss of 2lbs per week, I'm shooting for 3. This means I'll need to have a 1500 calorie deficit each day. Over time, my progress will be charted on this page on the BodyBugg software. My first weigh in day in on Tuesday, 1/20. I need to weigh in at 199 to be on track. Bleh... 199 seems so horrible, but I have to think of it in terms of weekly goals and not look at the actual number. Sometime it helps to think of the fact that each pound of fat would look sort of like a package of 4 butter sticks. When I think of being 12 butter sticks smaller, that makes me feel pretty good.

If I actually stay on track, I will weigh in at 166 lbs on 4/7. I'm actually not that terrible looking at 166lbs. I will feel ok about "being with" my husband and not worrying too much about how grossed out he must be. After 12 weeks, I'll set a new goal, which is likely to be another 3lbs per week if it goes well.

This is a snap shot of my Thursday. You can see how it sort of plots out the calories burned over the course of the day. You have to go in and enter your food eaten for each meal. I try to plan ahead and enter in all at once. You can see here that I burned 3209 cals and consumed only 1695, creating the needed 1500 deficit to stay on track. We'll see how this well this works when weigh in day comes. The BodyBugg has really helped in 2 ways so far. It really helps me be more mindful of what I'm putting in my mouth, and it also helps by showing the caloric burn rate for normal things you do anyway. For example, I burned nearly 500 more calories on the day that I did a lot of house work and walking up and down the stairs to put laundry away one day. On most days I've been showing around an 1800 calorie deficit. Not too shabby! The real challenge is not drinking....

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Week 1 - Starting the Gym

Like a billion other people, I purchased my gym membership during a "New Year's Resolution" promotion. It isn't that I have a resolution to lose weight, in fact, it goes way beyond that. I have resolved myself to transforming my body inside and out. The timing just happened to coincide with the new year.

The real challenge I face right now is time and child care. I'm still on maternity leave. I have 3 kids; 9, 3, and 6 weeks. I'm getting about 5 hours of sleep at night at this point, and my entire day is devoted to taking care of one child or another. Honestly, I'm totally stressed. My time is not my own. The only possible time to exercise at the gym would be from about 10pm to 12am. Not great for my sleep problem, but I've done this several times now and feel good about it. It's nice to get a few hours to myself. Things at my house are totally crazy from 6am to 10pm.

So I bought my gym membership thinking I would start immediately, but it actually took me about a week before I got the guts to go. I was nervous about going somewhere new. I wasn't too sure of the crowd that would be there. I also didn't know where the locker room was and how busy it would be, etc. I was worried about looking like a whale in my workout clothes as well. Here's a brief summary of what I learned my first week at the gym...

1. I am WAY more out of shape that I originally thought.

2. Gym mirrors are very unforgiving. I've learned where in the gym to avoid looking.

3. Despite being 200lbs, I can actually run at 2 minute intervals and my joints feel ok.

4. I burn more calories and have a better workout if I plan ahead.

5. Lastly, eating clean causes gasiness at first, so if you accidentaly, um..you know, while working out, just pretend it didn't happen and keep going....

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Week 1 - Let's Get Real

So here I am tipping this scales at just over 200lbs. I never thought I would see the day, but here I am and it's time to face the facts. I delivered my 3rd (and last) child exactly 6 weeks ago today. I thought surely by now I would be somewhere around 180, but the harsh reality is that I've lost only 6lbs from the day I delivered to now.

Over these last 6 weeks, I've gone back and forth on which approach to take with this weight loss. I've gained and lost a million pounds over my 29 years. I've done it every different way you can imagine, but the most successful way for me has been starvation. That worked really well when I had about 30 lbs to lose, but I have 78 lbs to lose now and I'm totally out of shape. About 2 weeks after having the baby, I stopped eating in hopes of dropping a quick 20 lbs by now, but it isn't working and it's not doing my healing body any favors. So...

This time I'm doing it right! We're talking workouts, vegetables, vitamins, the whole enchilada! This probably sounds pretty silly. I mean, why wouldn't I do it right, right? Well, this is actually a very big deal because I feel desperate. I feel awful NOW and I want relief NOW. In fact, I have a date with my husband that we have been planning for a LONG time in about 2 weeks, and honestly, working out and eating well won't help me to feel more comfortable in 2 weeks. I'm probably not going to feel more comfortable for several months. When feeling fat, every minute of every day feeling fat is miserable. So miserable, in fact, that it causes compulsive behavior, like buying diet pills at the grocery store when you know they aren't going to work, or vowing to stop eating until you get "skinny". Ultimately, for me desperation leads to more bad eating. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being out of control and tired of spending 90% of my thought process on self loathing and thoughts about my body. I'm done.

I've done a lot of research and have decided to tackle this problem 3 ways.

#1 - 24Hour Fitness - I've got to get strong and burn more calories. Sitting on my butt at home (doing blog entries ;-)) is making me fat!

#2 - BodyBugg Calorie Management System - I found out about this through my gym. Basically you wear a device that helps you figure out how many calories you burn throughout the day. It's not a heart rate monitor, but an actual gizmo that measures your metabolic rate based on 4 factors. If you haven't heard about this thing, you must check out their website. I've been using this for about a week now and love it.
(http://www.bodybugg.com/)

#3 - Clean Eating - This is the big one. I've committed to adopt a new way of eating for life. The way I've viewed food and nutrition in the past is totally messed up. I've spent my adult years going between eating nothing or eating too much. I don't know how to eat normally. I'm either losing or gaining weight. I cook for my family and then pop a Lean Cuisine in the microwave for myself instead of just making the correct portion of dinner for myself. I could lose weight on Lean Cuisines again, but if I don't learn to eat normally, I will be fighting this thing for the rest of my life. I'm ready to enjoy life again. I'm sick of the games. Clean Eating is simply eating food in it's natural form. There are a few rules, but they are really simple. This is the way bodybuilders and fitness competitors eat. I figure they know a little something about getting lean. For more info, check out http://eatcleandiet.com/.

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