Desperation, My Old Friend

Despite all of the positive things I wrote about here over the last week, yesterday I began to feel that desperation return. Despite my best efforts to head off bad thoughts and negativity, I felt hopeless again. I am still having thoughts like, 'Why are my pants still tight?', 'Why do I actually feel fatter today than 2 days ago?', 'What will I do if the scale doesn't show a loss this week?'. Then I get angry at myself for not doing better and wonder what is wrong with me, and for the first time in weeks, I wanted food to make me feel better.

I did NOT eat. I really wanted to, but I did not. I feel like my body may be holding on to the weight because I still have pregnancy hormones running about in my system. I seem to remember this happening last time I had a baby. Whatever the reason, it sucks. I don't know for sure that I haven't lost weight, but I'm scared to check.

I am totally committed to this healthy way of losing weight and taking care of myself, so I will press on, but it's really hard. Another downer was not being able to go to the gym last night because my 8 week old baby didn't go to sleep until 11:30pm. There was nothing I could do. I just barely met my targets, but they were met. I honestly don't know what to do other than just keep doing what I'm doing and not let my desperation ruin this. I'm doing the right things. There is no possible way that this lifestyle and activity level will not help me to drop pounds. ((sigh))

I'm going to work my butt off today to try and make up a little of the gym time lost yesterday. Let's just hope the little angel cooperates tonight. I'm also going to adjust my BodyBugg program so that it let's me measure success in inches instead of pounds. The tape measure seems to be way less intimidating at the moment.

Happy Monday!

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Diet and Training Plans Updated

So the more I read about the Eat-Clean Diet and fundamentals of exercise, the more tweaks I make to my current plan. I thought I'd take a moment to post my current plan for diet, exercise and supplementation.

My exercise week goes from Sunday to Thursday. This past week I took a few unplanned rest days due to being sick, but I really hope to train hard and focus straight on into Friday.

Training Plan Week 3

• Cardio - 1 hr Treadmill Intervals (walk 2 min/run 2 min including 5 min warm-up and 10 min cool down) x 5 days
• Strength - Total Body w/ Weights on Sunday, Tuesday & Thursday. Abs on Monday, Wednesday & Friday
• Rest Day - Saturday is rest day, but will try to stay active.

Sample Menu

• Breakfast - Protein Shake w/ Fruit, Flax Seed, Wheat Germ
• AM Snack - 1/4 cup Ezekiel Cereal & 1 tbls dried fruit made with 1 scoop 100% whey protein (vanilla) and 3 drops Stevia sweetener
• Lunch - Grilled Chicken Breast w/ Baby Spinach, Fresh Veggies & Goat Cheese (I have been using light ranch because I love it so much, but looking for a way to make my own "clean" Ranch"
• PM Snack - Grilled Chicken Breast w/ Steamed Veggies & 1/2 cup brown rice
• Dinner - something wonderful from the Eat-Clean Diet cookbooks
• Late Snack (post workout) - usually another protein shake, but different ingredients

Supplements

• Glucosamine/MSM
• Maca Root
• CoQ10
• Multivitamin
• CLA

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Big Changes in Less Than 2 Weeks

I'm heading into the 5th day of my second week of eating clean and training hard. I've noticed some remarkable changes thus far.

Feeling Slimmer - Don't get me wrong. I'm still far from a healthy weight, but there is no doubt in my mind that my body fat is melting away. Regardless of what the scale says at next weigh in, I am taking up less room and feeling slightly better in my clothes, enough to where I feel some relief.

Unbelievable Improvement in Core Strength - I've been working especially hard on this since the baby has left me with very loose abdominal muscles. Just 2 weeks ago, I would contract them and barely even feel that I was doing anything. I've added an abdominal routine that includes this amazing Tae Bo Abs video 3 times a week. Check It Out It's under 30 mins and works the abs several different ways. I always have trouble getting abs done at the gym because I'm self conscious. Another major contributor to the fast results here is the fact that I am concentrating on abs during my cardio sessions. When I'm running on the treadmill, I visualize my abs assisting with the pulling of my legs. When I focus this way, I also seem to be able to run faster with little additional effort.

Sense of Control and Inner Peace - I believe this comes from true commitment. I'm not battling with myself in a constant balance between small victories and devastating failures. I've been teetering on making big changes for a long time now. I can't place my finger on what has changed that finally pushed me over into that place, but now that I'm here, I have an enormous since of peace and focus. I have a lot more thought process to devote toward anything and everything other than self-loathing, guilt and what I'm going to do about my health and weight problem. It feels incredible.

Less Desire to Drink - This is huge for me. I carry around an unhealthy amount of anxiety and would self medicate by having beer or wine in the evenings. Going into this clean eating lifestyle, I had decided to make an allowance for some drinking. The first week I had decided to allow myself 4oz of red wine in the evenings if I wanted it. The truth is, between self medicating my anxiety problem and being in a family that drinks for any reason, I really felt like it was too important to my lifestyle to give it up. What I found initially is that I didn't need that 4 oz of red wine during the week. My gym trips replaced the need to self medicate in the evenings. I decided I would allow myself to drink on the weekends. At first this was welcomed, but then the next day I wouldn't feel as good or have as much energy, and for the first time in my life, my health and energy seemed to be more important than that glass of wine or beer. I still enjoy having a little "buzz", but I feel very uncomfortable with much more than that. This is unexpected and nothing short of a miracle.

On another note, I found this cool article on the homepage of MSN.com this morning. Change Your Life in 31 Days It's bascially about small changes adding up big. I thought it was inspiring.

Enjoy the weekend!

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It's Pizza Night!

The family is doing OK on the clean eating plan, but because I'm a newbie, our dinners have been rather bland lately. When I'm in a hurry, I'll just make chicken with brown rice and veggies, which is really tasty, but gets old after a few days. I made the Adobe Rubbed Pork with Pico from the Eat-Clean Cookbook by Tosca Reno last night. It was a huge it. Other than that, most of what I've made has been delicious to me, but not thrilling to the family. I made the choice to eat clean, but they were sort of forced into it. So... I actually found a wonderful recipe for a clean pizza. I made this early last week and everyone loved it so much, they asked if we can have a pizza night. I am happy to oblige.

Clean-Eating Whole Wheat Pizza

Crust - credited to 'Matnerd' on the Men's Health Magazine Forum

1 cup skim milk (scaled)

`1 cup water

2 tbsp olive oil

2 tbsp sucanat sugar

1/2 tsp sea salt

1 pkg dry yeast (1 tbsp)

3 cups Whole Wheat Flour

1. Heat milk to almost boiling. Then add the water, oil, sugar and salt. Set aside.
2. In another large bowl (for mixer or bread machine), add 1/4 cup very warm water (105 to 115 degrees) and 1 tbsp active dry yeast. Add to the milk mixture. Milk mixture should be warm, but not too hot. If too hot, the yeast will die.
3. Stir in 3 cups of Whole Wheat Flour
4. Once thoroughly mixed, add additional flour and knead to the point that the dough is smooth, elastic and not sticky (i.e., when you take your hands off of the dough, pieces of dough should stick to your hands).
5. Put the dough in a bowl that is lightly coated with oil, cover with a damp towel and place in a warm location to proof (Matnerd's suggestion is to heat the oven to 150 degrees, turn it off and then place the bowl in the oven). "Proofing" the dough, essentially, means allow it to rise. Once the dough is double it's original size, it's ready for use (about an hour).
6. Dough is ready for use. :-)

Toppings:

extra-lean ground turkey (seasoned with 1/2 tsp Italian spice blend), 1/2 cup mushrooms, veggies, onions, reduced fat mozzarella cheese, whatever you want...

Bake in pre-heated oven set to 425 degrees for 12 - 14 minutes.

I used a canned pizza sauce option last time, which was pretty clean, but I may try to make my own tonight.

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To Health and Happiness

So I posted my "before" pics yesterday, and in true "before" pic fashion, I made sure I had zero makeup on and looked about as frumpy as I could possible look. Ok..who am I kidding? That was me on my way out to the gym looking no worse than I always look. I guess it's just hard to really accept that this person is me. I don't feel that fat. I see the size 14's and 16's staring me in the face, and yet I feel like a 12. I can't really tell if this is good or bad, but one thing is certain. No matter how fat I look in real life, because I've committed to making this change, tomorrow I will be a little smaller and healthier.

I wanted to take a little walk down memory lane and check out some "skinny" pics. This is me just shy of 2 years ago. The reason this picture stands out to me isn't because I look thin, although I was pretty thin. It's because I look healthy and happy. I've spent the last year and half thinking about why I was putting on weight, and all the while, I was putting on more and more weight by turning to food to console myself for putting on weight. How sick is that? So in the spirit of health and happiness, I've done some evaluating of my current goal of losing 3 lbs per week. While I'm able to manage the caloric deficit require for a 3lb loss per week (on paper that is), I think eating 1250 cals per day isn't enough when my BodyBugg says I'm burning up to 3700 on some days. I just don't feel good. So it is with complete commitment to my health, and total surrender of my vanity, that I actually make a choice to lose weight more slowly in the interest of being healthy.

Now with some of that pressure gone, and a little more wiggle room in my diet, I'm going to eat enough for dinner tonight in order to actually feel strong during my 45 min jog on the treadmill tonight. :-)

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Under the Weather

Part of the problem with being so fanatical about exercising in the beginning is pushing too hard when your body is telling you to rest. I've worked out with a cold for the last few days, but I am totally wiped out today. I've decided to skip the gym tonight and maybe make it up over the weekend when I have a scheduled "off" day. I know that by going to bed early tonight and not working out, I'll burn less calories on my bodybugg, but if I don't rest, I could potentially be out tomorrow as well. Bleh...

I've decided to have a Sugarfree Redbull (not a "clean" choice) and Motrin cocktail and do some chores for activity before my husband gets home from work. I bought some Clif Luna bars at the store today to eat as late night post workout snacks, but they are tempting me like a candy bar would. I think this is only because I'm sick and off my game. I have been meaning to make some "clean" protein bars from the Eat-Clean Cookbook, but I haven't gotten to it. This may be a sign that I'm not ready to have things like sweet tasting bars in the house. Maybe I'll give them to the kids and hubby and stick to the healthier homemade protein shakes for post workout energy.

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BodyBugg - Eye Opening Lessons Learned So Far

Yesterday marked the end of my first official week using the BodyBugg Calorie Management System. I'm please to say that this tool is teaching me more than I ever could have hoped. The main reason I got it was to try and change my all or nothing attitude when it comes to diet and exercise. I can honestly say that after just 1 week, I have learned an enormous amount of information about activity and caloric burn.

I think it is important to note that calorie counting is NOT part of the Clean Eating way of life, but because of my extremely screwed up ideas upon which I've based my various eating disorders over the past 15 years, I felt that I needed to look at things in an entirely new way. Before BodyBugg was marketed through 24 hour fitness, it was called something else. This technology has been used as behavioral therapy for obese (or just overweight) patients that need to make a change to their lifestyle. I read all about this at bodymedia.com, the company that manufactures the product.

These are my activity graphs for the past week. You can see how my activity spikes on my gym nights. The overall pattern here shows me waking up briefly in the middle of the night to feed my daughter (still eating every 3 hours...), and then waking for the day around 7am. The total caloric burn ranges from 2291 - 3770.

Ironically, the days with my highest caloric burn were NOT days that I trained very hard at the gym. These high burning days were days that I did a lot of running around and housework. Eureka! I mean come on! This is huge! You mean if I move more throughout the day, I can burn as much or more as being sedentary all day and then running on the treadmill later in the evening for 45 minutes?!? This is truly eye opening. I mean it makes sense, but it's so helpful to be able to quantify these things. Here's a list of the top lessons learned thus far after using BodyBugg 1 week.

1. An active day running around cleaning, running around and generally not sitting in front of the computer all day (like doing this blog entry) have a greater impact to my caloric burn rate than whether I went to the gym that day.
2. Being even just a little more active really adds up. For example, if you burn 1.3 cals/min at rest, you would burn about 1872 cals per day. If you just move even a little more when you can and boost that burn to just .5 more cals/min, you would burn a total of 2592. What a huge difference!
3. Sleep really does matter. The day that I burned only 2291 (nearly 500 less than my daily target), I took a 3 hour nap during the middle of the day to catch up from a week of sleep deprivation. I was also a couch potato all day from simply being pooped. On days that I am well rested, I burn WAY more calories the next day. I'm just naturally more active on those days.
4. My biggest activity zappers are Internet surfing and infant feeding. Since my baby is only 7 weeks old now, I spend nearly 6 hours a day feeding her. Web surfing/blogging are also zappers. I spend an enormous amount of time on the computer between working, although I'm still on maternity leave at the moment, and just surfing/blogging in general. I'm considering getting one of those under desk pedal things. I work from home, so I don't have to be embarrassed about it. My mom said she knows someone at work that uses one. She said the lady is very thin. Maybe she knows something we are just now figuring out! Here's an example of one I might get. Amazon seems to have a ton to choose from. Isokinetics Executive Deluxe Pedal Exerciser - Chrome
5. Intervals are awesome. I'm too heavy to run for 45 minutes without injuring myself, however if I run/walk at 2 minutes intervals, I burn nearly the same calories and don't injure myself.

Overall this BodyBugg tool has been amazing. I am in no way affiliated with BodyBugg, so I have no reason to endorse it other than the fact that it is just awesome! I think the cheapest place to buy one right now is the 24 hours fitness website (www.24hourfitness.com). I would check Ebay too.

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